Man, I’m dreading Saturday. I wish time could somehow just pause or skip over this one day so that I don’t have to do this. I don’t want to celebrate my baby’s birthday without her. I don’t want to blow out her candle for her. I don’t want to open up birthday cards for her. I don’t want to answer the door to trick-or-treaters in tears because it’s also Maya’s birthday and she’s not here for it. And I especially don’t want to sing happy birthday to a picture. This isn’t fair. Why did this have to happen to me? To my family? Why can’t we rewind six months and wake up to Maya crying for mommy and go on with our lives the way they were supposed to be? I should be getting things ready for her birthday party, not sitting alone crying and unable to sleep for the third time this week. I had this long list of toys that I wanted to buy for her and all these plans about what we were going to do. And an even longer list of people who I wanted to invite to her party. I even had her Halloween costume planned. And now what do I have? A long list of people who no longer talk to me and a hole that will never be filled. I can’t even count how many friends I’ve lost since Maya died. I finally have a friend and it’s my neighbor. Don’t get me wrong, she’s amazing and I’m so grateful that I have her. But I’m tired of being avoided because I’m “the girl whose baby died.” I don’t want to be marked for my entire life. I don’t want to have to keep telling new people that I meet that, yes, I do have a daughter, but no, she’s not here because she’s dead.  I want to be up at night because Maya needs me, not because I don’t have her. I want to wake up early and play with her and watch her run across the yard. Make food together and cuddle for nap time. Maybe go on a walk to see Daddy at work. But now none of those things will happen. My Maya’s gone. I don’t want to do any of this.


6 thoughts on “

  1. So sorry… I am keeping you and Austin in my prayers!! This is such a hard time, know that God is with you so is Maya!!
    Hold on to her memory and I’m sure she’ll give you strength in this time!!
    God bless you all and prayers for healing!! Know that people care for you and are with you in your pain. Hugs your way mama!


  2. I’m so very sorry you have to go through this. I still return here to check on you and to read your updates. I know the pain will never go away but please know there are many people who care about you. I may not know you personally but I think of you often. Thought and prayers mama!


  3. I wish I knew you in person, so I could talk to you about Maya. My friend lost her 7 month old this year, and she tells me of the pain of having no one speak to her about her Danny. Talking about him is what keeps her sane, and his memory alive. My cousin also lost her first as a baby, and she says during this time you feel like you’ll never be happy again. Three beautiful. children later, and she’s found joy again. She still speaks of her first, and always will.

    I think of you often. I hope you find a way to talk about Maya.


  4. Wish you would keep writing. I know you have been really busy but even I still check on here to see if you’ve updated. Been a long time


  5. Thinking of you. I check here periodically to see if you’ve updated and I’ve wondered how you’re doing. I was in your BBC group but left a while back, but I’m sure you’re not active there either. I hope you’re well.


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