It’s been such a long time since I’ve blogged. Sorry. Things have been so crazy for us. We moved all the way from California to Minnesota. We loaded up all of our stuff into a truck and left. Our new place is a two story townhome right next door to my little brother and sister. And my other little brother lives three miles away. It’s so nice here. I also started college on the 17th. I’m taking nutrition, childhood growth and development, human development, and medical terminology. They’re all going great so far. Let’s see, what else. I’m thinking about becoming a CNA with my stepmother. It’s a great job to do in the meantime and it pays well. Mine and Austin’s four year anniversary is tomorrow and our one year wedding anniversary is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been that long and we’ve been through so much together and are still so strong and in love.
Maya would have been ten months old yesterday. That is starting to get to me. Especially being here. I thought that being away from all of the pity would be helpful. But it’s like she doesn’t even exist here. No one ever talks about her or thinks about her anymore. And don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that people aren’t paying for our food or avoiding us in the store anymore. But I just don’t want her to slip away from me. The entire last year just feels like a dream. Better than the actual dreams I’ve been having. I’m haunted by the memories of finding her that morning. When I close my eyes, all I can see is her body stiff and unmoving. It’s like when you find a frog that’s all dried up and dead and you touch it and the whole thing moves at the same time. But it’s my baby doing that. The one that I grew inside of me and fed and clothed and loved. I can’t get away from it. I can’t sleep. The thoughts make me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day and night and not ever have to think about all this pain again. Why did this have to happen to me? It’s not fair. All of these people have their babies and never have anything bad ever happen to them. There’s thousands of horrible, disgusting parents out there that abuse or neglect their children, but can have as many as they want with no problems. Why can’t I have mine? All I ever did was love Maya. And sure, there were times when I was frustrated and I admit that I needed to see a psychiatrist for possible postpartum psychosis, but I never would have hurt her. I loved her with everything that I had. And sometimes I fear that there’s nothing left.