It’s been a little over two months now. And I am having a really hard time with the guilt. The what ifs. The I should haves. I know her death wasn’t my fault. That’s not what I feel guilty about. I feel guilty about all of the time I should have spent with her. All of the things I should have done differently. If I had known I would only have six months, I would have changed everything. I would have been an entirely different person and mother.

I miss Maya so much. I miss her every second. But I also miss having a baby. I want so desperately to be pregnant again. I want to be a mommy again. I miss feeling the kicks and snuggling a baby and kissing a little nose and taking care of boo boos. I miss being needed. I miss being a mommy.

But I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn’t want another baby already, I just lost Maya. I shouldn’t just replace her like that.

When will it ever be okay to have another baby? Will I ever not feel guilty? Will I ever be able to look at my future children and not feel the pain of losing Maya? Or think to myself “Sure, baby, you just started crawling, but Maya never crawled.” Or “That’s a cute smile you have, but Maya had a cuter smile.”

I don’t want to forever compare them to her. I don’t want to see her face on theirs. She’s her own person.

I’m so afraid that I will never be able to love another child like I do Maya. Sure, I want more. But will they ever be the same to me after this? Will I ever be the same? Will I ever be able to look at my children and not be so terrified of losing them that I am able to enjoy them? I just don’t know.

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3 thoughts on “

  1. Hey- just another Nov. 14 momma ! I follow your blog, and just wanted to say I love your writing. You pour your soul into your words. While I have never had a loss like you, I think missing the mommy and baby things would be normal. Yes, you miss Maya, but all the things that you did for and with Maya go along with that. It’s ok to want the baby snuggles and kisses. I think when you are ready it’s also completely natural to want another baby.

    As for whether you will love a second baby the same as Maya- I think that’s something all of us mothers worry about. You have an extraordinary reason to worry about that, but I worried about that when I was pregnant with Nov. lo. I worried that I would constantly compare her to her brother, or that ods would worry that I had forgotten about him. What actually happened when lo was born is that my love for both intensified. I hope that helps you feel a little comfort. Keep pushing on, you are getting stronger and stronger every day. We on the boards are so proud of you!

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  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. We will never replace our babies. Your desire to be pregnant is completely normal. I wanted to be pregnant right away but had to wait

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  3. Hi honey another Babycenter Nov 2014 mommy too. I added you page on FB. I’m SO sorry I didn’t see anything about this sooner. You DO have friends & people that care. Please please feel free to contact me if you need anything even just to talk. I’ve had 5 miscarriages before FINALLY having my little guy in Nov. I understand loosing a child in a different perspective but it still does hurt. Please reach out I’m here for you.

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