It’s been a little over two months now. And I am having a really hard time with the guilt. The what ifs. The I should haves. I know her death wasn’t my fault. That’s not what I feel guilty about. I feel guilty about all of the time I should have spent with her. All of the things I should have done differently. If I had known I would only have six months, I would have changed everything. I would have been an entirely different person and mother.
I miss Maya so much. I miss her every second. But I also miss having a baby. I want so desperately to be pregnant again. I want to be a mommy again. I miss feeling the kicks and snuggling a baby and kissing a little nose and taking care of boo boos. I miss being needed. I miss being a mommy.
But I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling that way. I shouldn’t want another baby already, I just lost Maya. I shouldn’t just replace her like that.
When will it ever be okay to have another baby? Will I ever not feel guilty? Will I ever be able to look at my future children and not feel the pain of losing Maya? Or think to myself “Sure, baby, you just started crawling, but Maya never crawled.” Or “That’s a cute smile you have, but Maya had a cuter smile.”
I don’t want to forever compare them to her. I don’t want to see her face on theirs. She’s her own person.
I’m so afraid that I will never be able to love another child like I do Maya. Sure, I want more. But will they ever be the same to me after this? Will I ever be the same? Will I ever be able to look at my children and not be so terrified of losing them that I am able to enjoy them? I just don’t know.