My weight loss journey

As I (finally) start trying to lose weight, I am sad. I’ve wanted to be skinny again since the second I started gaining weight. Between the medication I was on, a poor diet, depression, and then pregnancy, I am almost 100 pounds more than I was before it all. My weight has always been a huge thing for me. I’ve never felt beautiful. I’ve never bought nice clothes, because what’s the point if I just look gross in them. I’ve never thought that boys would like me. I never even thought that people would want to be my friend. Crazy, right. But now, that I’m finally eating better and exercising right, it makes me sad to lose it. This tummy, albeit floppy and stretched and fat, is there because of Maya. She gave me this body. It’s my mommy body. It’s such a huge internal conflict between wanting to be skinny and not wanting to erase the memories of Maya off of myself. I don’t know what to do. I know that losing weight would be huge for me. It could turn my whole life around. I would finally be confident and comfortable enough with myself to be outgoing again. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to even leave the house. But at the same time, every time I look at myself, I see her. My stomach is where she grew. My breasts are where she ate. My lap is where she would nap. How can I just get rid of all of that?


One thought on “My weight loss journey

  1. You have always been beautiful and so smart and so caring and so thoughtful, I so wish you could see yourself the way we see you. You are a gorgeous woman who is a wonderful Mom and even if you get thinner, Maya’s footprints will always be in your heart and yours in hers, weight or pain or loss can never take that away from you and Austin and from Maya. We are so proud of the wonderful woman you have always been and wish you could see what we see every time we look at you. Maya was your everything and she can be the reason you go on and on. She is so special and her Mom and Dad are so special and that’s why she came to you, so she could share your love and leave hers behind with you to share forever.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s