As I (finally) start trying to lose weight, I am sad. I’ve wanted to be skinny again since the second I started gaining weight. Between the medication I was on, a poor diet, depression, and then pregnancy, I am almost 100 pounds more than I was before it all. My weight has always been a huge thing for me. I’ve never felt beautiful. I’ve never bought nice clothes, because what’s the point if I just look gross in them. I’ve never thought that boys would like me. I never even thought that people would want to be my friend. Crazy, right. But now, that I’m finally eating better and exercising right, it makes me sad to lose it. This tummy, albeit floppy and stretched and fat, is there because of Maya. She gave me this body. It’s my mommy body. It’s such a huge internal conflict between wanting to be skinny and not wanting to erase the memories of Maya off of myself. I don’t know what to do. I know that losing weight would be huge for me. It could turn my whole life around. I would finally be confident and comfortable enough with myself to be outgoing again. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to even leave the house. But at the same time, every time I look at myself, I see her. My stomach is where she grew. My breasts are where she ate. My lap is where she would nap. How can I just get rid of all of that?