After everything that’s been happening, I’ve realized that I have no friends. Literally. Not one person other than people related to me talks to me, or cares what I’m doing, or even wants me around. I have no real, in person, friends. Now I’m not really the “friend type” per se. I’ve always had a problem making friends because I generally just do not like many people, or I’ve always been way more mature than a lot of the people around me. But now, when I really need it, I have no one. And it’s not for lack of trying. I talk to plenty of people. But my best friend is my husband. And my second best friend is my mom.
No one but family came to Maya’s funeral. I really did think that people would come. That people cared about me. About Maya. But nope. Only people that are related to her cared enough to make it. All of the “support” I have gotten, was BS. Most of my support comes from my mommy group full of strangers. How twisted is that. People that have never even met me care more about me than people I’ve known since preschool.
And I am so beyond sick of the fake friends. The “I’m there for yous” that never were and the “I’ll be at her funerals” that never showed up. People make me sick. Why say you’re going to do something when you have absolutely no intention of doing so? Or not do something because of stupid, petty reasons that have nothing to do with me or my baby.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so, so grateful for the people who did come and the people who offer me continuous support. The people who message me frequently to check in. The people who don’t just say they’re there for us, but actually are. I am grateful for a lot of things. But I am also angry. I’m angry at everything now, I guess. And I’m finding it really hard to be forgiving. When I needed you most, you weren’t there. Although I’m not surprised at all, you never were to begin with, why start now.