The ugly truth

I don’t know how to get over the depression. I’ve slipped so far into it that I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning and can’t find the surface. People keep telling me that I’m so strong and brave. But I’m not. I’m not strong at all. I’m dead inside. There’s nothing left to be weak. I feel so hopeless. What’s the point of anything? Why should I live another 60-ish years? I don’t want to float through the days for another sixty years until the inevitable breast cancer, or a car accident, or a heart attack, or whatever takes me. I don’t want to live without Maya. And the fact that I have to just kills me. I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of hurting all the time. I’m tired of having to hold myself together for everyone else. I’m tired of being without my baby. I’m afraid that things will never get better. I will always live in some crappy apartment in some crappy town. I’ll never have anything. And even if I do, I won’t have Maya. I don’t want to live in a world without Maya. I’ve struggled with cutting and suicidal tendencies since the sixth grade. But never this bad. Every thought is a bad one. Everything is a new opportunity to harm myself. I feel so angry and hurt on the inside that I lash out at my family and myself. Even my cat. I hate myself so much that I can’t even look in the mirror. I don’t shower much because I have to be naked and I hate it. I hate looking at myself. I’m consumed with self-hatred and longing for Maya. I don’t think I will ever be okay again. I don’t want to be okay again. I don’t deserve to be. I don’t deserve to be a mother again. I should have been a better one to Maya. Maybe that’s why she was taken from me. I don’t know how to feel better. I don’t know how to stop blaming myself for losing her. My life is empty without her. My soul is empty. I don’t think I have enough left for Austin even. I just don’t know what to do.

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10 thoughts on “The ugly truth

  1. Please talk to Jesse Bullock or someone who can help you. Talk to other Mother’s that have lost their babies, please do something. We all love you too much to lose you too. Please get some help, don’t do this to yourself and everyone who loves you.

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  2. I’m so so sorry, I know nothing I could say will help and I won’t pretend to know how you feel, your loss is utterly devastating. SIDS is a terrible unfair cruel thing but please don’t question your motherhood, or say you wish you were a better mother, you didn’t do this.

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  3. Please talk with someone. You are an amazing person. This was a terrible accident, no one knows why, or what causes SIDS! Remember that to thousands of people you’ve opened up to and shared your journey with, they don’t think of Maya as a number or another statistic! She is a beautiful babe that was taken much too soon!!
    Please talk to someone because it may help! It won’t bring Maya back, but, it may help you work through this time in your life!
    Maya loves you and Austin, she wouldn’t want you to stop living!!
    Prayers with you as you go through this difficult time!!
    You don’t need to be brave for everyone!! It’s okay to miss her.
    This was not your fault, I can’t explain this, but, turn to God for he is holding you and someday it will make sense. I can’t tell you when that will be, but, someday it will!!!
    Hold to God and he will bring you through!!
    Blessings and peace
    -Babyduncan from BBC AKA Ellen 😉

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    1. I know the pain of depression & self loathing. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your child on top of it. Please pleas seek counseling. I found counseling through a local church very affordable. I don’t even go to church but the counseling helps. Live for Maya. Take each breath for her because she lives on through you. Take a walk if you can. Go see a movie, or rent one and spend some time with your husband. Maya is part of him and lives through him as well. He’s hurting too and together you’re stronger. Although you are strong alone even though you may not think so. You are. I just hope that you can find a way to feel some joy in life now. What happened is awful and unfair but Maya would want you to live a good life. To be happy again. To feel fulfilled. And you will someday. Just try. Day by day and you’ll get there

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  4. I never leave any comments whatsoever on anything online, but I feel compelled to leave something here now. I found your website and read about your story through Babycenter when I browsing through some posts. I am so, incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Maya. I cannot imagine the weight of the sorrow that you and Austin are both carrying. You absolutely deserve to be as sad as you want. Some thing terrible and life-changing happened to you. Nobody would blame you for feeling blue, or not showering, or not wanting to be as social as you used to be. However, I hope that you can find the strength in you to slowly, very slowly, pull yourself out of this depression. Even though life has taken so much from you, there is still good to live for. If anything, you still have Austin, and perhaps you can use that as motivation to keep going on. Keep moving, for Austin (and Maya). Keep pushing through, for Austin and Maya. Take a day at a time and take comfort in the good in life. Do you have somebody you can talk to? Try reaching out to somebody in your life, and if that doesn’t work, try calling the national suicide prevention hotline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). Somebody will be able to talk you through some of things you’re dealing with and maybe get you the help that you need. Just remember that you are NOT alone, even though you feel like you are. Your story and Maya’s has touched so many people across the world. I’m writing right now from Malaysia, from the other side of the world, and even I do not want you to feel alone. My heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you but you can get through this. You are strong. Please keep on going.

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  5. Maya is looking down on you from heaven. She doesn’t want you to be in so much pain. Live for her. Live every day with her in your heart. She will be there with you. Your joy will give her joy. I know it’s hard. Impossible even. But I also know you would do anything for Maya, including living every day to its fullest, as a dedication of your life to her.

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  6. You are touching so many lives already through Maya’s story. God loves you and has a plan for you, and you will see Maya again when your time comes many years from now, but do not miss the rainbows for the rain. Hold on and stay strong. He is making a masterpiece of you and can buoy you in your grief if you let Him. Take one moment at a time and grieve, but also keep loving. You CAN do this! This video inspires me. I hope it can give you hope. http://youtu.be/-DIIgm6xABQ

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  7. You don’t know me, I’m from the Nov 2014 birth board. Never post but have read it since I was pregnant. I’ll never forget your post when Maya died. You’ve heard this before, but I have to voice to you how much your story has touched me, I think of you and Austin every day and wish you nothing but comfort and peace. Every time I see a butterfly I shoot a “hello sweetheart” up to heaven at Maya. It is always hardest for those left behind. She will never know anything but love, she will never be hurt or disappointed or rejected, and I hope you find some shred of comfort in that. Maybe that’s foolish to think though, that words could even begin to heal the hurt in your hearts. I hope nothing but peace for you. ❤

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  8. (((hugs))) That’s all I have for you is internet hugs. My heart hurts so much for you. I hope you are able to talk to someone about your feelings who can help you work through the immense pain. Life is worth it and you are a great mama. I’m keeping you in my prayers always. more ((((hugs)))) ugh life just isn’t fair. No one should have to feel that pain you are feeling right now.

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