There’s a reason for everything… right?

Well, it’s been two weeks. And it’s not getting any easier yet. Sometimes it feels okay. But then I see a picture of her. Or walk by her room. Or find some of her clothes. Or go somewhere she was. And then it hits me all over again. My sweet little girl is gone. Really gone. Not just somewhere else or with someone else. She’s gone. I can say it a million times and I still can’t quite believe it. How can an innocent baby just be taken like this? How am I ever supposed to feel normal again? Being a mother was such a huge part of my life, and now I don’t know what to even do with myself. It’s hard to even do stuff that I have to do. Like the laundry, or cooking, or even showering. The last time I did laundry, I was holding Maya. The last time I cooked, Maya was sleeping and kept waking up for her daddy. And I used to take baths with her, so every time I’m in the tub, I just think about her. I miss her so much. I find myself wondering if this will ever get better. If I’ll ever be able to spend a day without crying and feeling hollow inside. If I’ll ever be able to look into her room without seeing her lying in her crib, dead. If her clothes will ever make me not miss her. If I’ll ever be able to put her things away. If the memories will ever make me happy and not sad. If I’ll ever feel back to normal again. People keep saying that it will get easier with time. But that just doesn’t seem possible. She was taken for no reason. She wasn’t sick, or hurt, or in an accident. She was perfect. And somehow, mysteriously, she died. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around that. It would have been okay if she were sick, or had some birth defect, or died in a car accident. I would have been able to move on from that, because at least there was a reason for it. But there is no reason for this. And there never will be. And I’m just not okay with that.


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