If funerals are for the living, why do I feel so dead inside planning one?

As I start planning my daughter’s funeral, I just feel so lost. How do I even plan a funeral for a baby? She never had a favorite color, or flower, or song. She never went to any churches. She never enjoyed nature, or animals, or anything. Where do we have her funeral? What type of flowers do we buy? Do we have food? Or music?

And looking at urns is basically useless at this point. I can’t decide. I can’t buy her an urn. Because then it’s real. As soon as the date is picked, and the urn is ordered, my daughter is really gone. But for now, I can keep up hoping every night that I will wake up to her crying in the morning. And I can’t handle it being real. My brain cannot fathom the fact that she’s really gone. And honestly, I don’t really want it to. I don’t want to know it’s real. It hurts too bad. I don’t think this will ever feel real to me.


One thought on “If funerals are for the living, why do I feel so dead inside planning one?

  1. I am truly feeling your pain through your words. I have little ones too and I have a 7 month old and I must say when I read about your baby girl I also though about your previous question. How is it possible that there are people that have kids and abuse them and they keep having them and then there are decent, loving parents like you and these horrible tragedies happen. I had 3 miscarriages and that was always my question and biggest frustration. One day you will feel better and you will have more babies, but you will never get over the loss. My mom lost my brother when he was 10 months old and 34 years later she still cries, but she’s alive. I wish I could give you your baby back, and I wish I could give you a really big hug. I am sorry for your loss, I will continue to pray for you and your family and for your future babies. God bless you and give you strength to carry on.


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