I spent so much of your life just wishing you would sleep or stop crying or let me have a break. I used to get so frustrated and angry with you that I would want to throw you across the room. I used to wish that we could go back to just daddy and me. Sometimes I would even wish that you would die. I just felt like I couldn’t handle it. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the entire world. I went from being selfish, always sleeping in, and doing whatever I wanted to do, to having to take care of you 24/7. And it’s hard. It’s hard having to be completely selfless. It’s hard having someone depend on you entirely. And I used to say these horrible, ugly things to you and call you names that I don’t even like to think about. There was even times when I’d have to put you down and walk away because I just couldn’t handle the constant crying all by myself anymore. There were so many times that I wasn’t able to catch myself before I lost my temper. Sometimes I wouldn’t even realize what I was doing until I had already done it. And I don’t think that I will truly ever forgive myself for those things. Because all you wanted was a little bit more mommy time, or to look at something new, or a different toy, or more milk, or you were tired, or your teeth were hurting. And I was awful to you. People keep telling me I’m some great mother. But that’s just not true. I’m not a great mother. I’m not even a good mother. Maybe that’s why this happened to us. Maybe God or whoever decided that you deserved better than me. I know I believed it your entire life. I wanted so badly to be a mom, but once I was one, I just couldn’t do it. And now, I wish that I could go back and change everything. I wish that I had just held you like you wanted instead of giving you to your dad. I wish that I had played with you more. I wish that I had sang to you and read to you and talked to you more than I did. I wish I had let you sleep in bed with me. I have so many regrets from only six months. The only six months I will ever have with you. Why couldn’t I just be different? Why couldn’t I control my temper? Or not have one at all? Why couldn’t someone tell me that I should treat every moment like a gift because even though I took every precaution possible, you would still be taken from me? And now I will never get to make things up to you. I will never look into those big beautiful eyes of yours and tell you that I love you and that I’m sorry. And I am, Maya. I’m so, so sorry. I love you so much. I love you with my entire being. I just wish that I had showed it more to you when I still could.


3 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. Motherhood is the hardest thing any of us will ever do. We all have tough days and do and say things we regret. Patience is learned and cultivated. We all lose it sometimes. You are not alone in that…

    I’m so sorry. You didn’t earn this, and your not being punished for being a bad mom. Regret is so heavy, try to let that go…

    Thinking of you, every single day and night since you first posted. My heart, like so many others, broke for you.

    Hugs sweet mama. Embrace the lessons, but release the pain.


  2. I feel like I must say something though it feels silly to think any words that I have could help you. But still here goes… those moments, those frustrations, those fleeting dark thoughts, I believe they are universal. Motherhood is so hard, sometimes hard isn’t even the word. I am 36, a 2nd time mom, and I still feel the shame in admitting there are times that I have said outloud that my baby is a real jerk or questioned in tears why she wouldn’t just go the **** to sleep already? I say that only to say, you are not a bad mother, you didn’t love Maya any less because you got frustrated or angry. Of course you know that, but I just don’t want you to ever feel this happened because some how you weren’t enough or feel guilt over being human. I sobbed reading this post. I am a stranger to you and am literally on the other side of the country, but I wish I could wrap my arms around you. Regret is so normal and expected, but not warranted. The love you had for your daughter is actually visable even to strangers in every photo & every word in your blog and on BBC. I am sure words sound hollow, but I felt like I had to say something to this post.


  3. Sarah is so very right, you did things that most of us Mommies have done, motherhood can be very frustrating, painful and joyful all at the same time. I, at 68 , still have regrets for things I said and did with my babies. That love you had for Maya was always so visible to all of us, family, friend or stranger. You are not being punished but it is one of the many stages of grieving, you may not have been perfect, none of us are, but you and Austin were the best part of little Maya’s life and she was so lucky to have you as her parents. I too, don’t want to intrude on your grieving


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