Today has been rough. We saw your pediatrician. She just happens to be our doctor too. I think that everyone down at the clinic was upset and missing you too. She gave us some anti-depressants to help us for now.

I just feel so drained today. I woke up still tired and just haven’t really felt like doing much all day. I’m not even really sure why today has been harder than the others. I guess just because for once, we don’t have anything to do. We have nowhere to go and of course, without you, we have no one to take care of all day and night. I just feel so empty without you. I have been pregnant or your mommy for so long that without you, I just feel like nothing. I don’t have to feed you, or bathe you, or dress you, or change your diaper, or give you naps, or play with you. What am I supposed to do all day now? My entire life was being your mom. And now I’m just.. bored..? I guess you could call it that, but it doesn’t even really sound right. I miss having a baby around. Sure, sometimes it was hard, but it was so much fun too. Watching you learn and experience new things was absolutely incredible. And I loved playing with you. You loved your toys so much. Especially your crinkle book and your spoons. But water bottles were always your favorite. I can’t believe you picked one up all on your own. You were so strong.

I really hope that your daddy is doing okay. He hasn’t hardly cried since Saturday, let alone broken down like mommy keeps doing. He’s so strong. I just hope that he’s not going to bottle everything up like he always does and end up exploding. He has been such a huge support to me. I don’t think I could do this without him. I love him so much, Maya, and I know that you did too. And he loves his girls.

Tomorrow is going to be horrible. You would have been six months old. And your death notice will be in the newspaper. I’m not sure if I am going to be able to read it. I miss you so much, baby. Mommy is trying so hard to be strong for you and for daddy. This is just the hardest thing I have ever done. And it hurts so bad.

Your Aunt Alexa was just here. She really misses you. We all do. I know it’s been hard on everyone else. At least daddy and I got to see you every single day of your life. Some people only saw you occasionally, and some only once, and some never. I can’t imagine how much that would suck. You were such an amazing and beautiful little girl and I am so proud that I got to spend every day with you.

Mo even misses you. He’s been super clingy ever since you left. I think he knows something is going on. You were his little sister. I know you pulled his hair and tried to eat his ears and scared him when you would cry, but he loved you. Okay, not at first haha, but eventually. He loved snuggling you and mama.

Well, I’m not really sure what else to say. I love you baby girl. I hope you’re doing okay up there. I know you’re up there with your wings and your diapee on. And your feet are probably stinky and there’s probably lint in your neck and your armpits and your hair is probably sticking up funny and you’re smiling your big beautiful smile and breaking hearts, just like you did when you were here.

I love you, baby girl. Mommy thinks about you all of the time.


One thought on “Diary

  1. Poor Austin, men always try to stay so strong for the women and girls in their lives and it must be so hard on him. Maya was Daddy’s little girl and he loved her so much and was so proud of you and Maya. That smile of hers lit up the room just as yours and Austin’s used to. You both have so much love left to give and will share it with another baby someday, but for now you must cling to each other and hold on tight to your love and your memories of Maya and all the love she gave you in return. I so wish I could take all the pain away but all I can do is love you all.


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