Just some thoughts..

I’ve just been thinking a lot and need to get some of it out. Part of me feels like I’m going to be okay eventually. And other parts just feel completely shattered. There are some times when I can forget for a few minutes, and laugh again, and be happy. But then it all comes back to me. And it hurts even worse. Or when I wake up in the morning on my own, not to you crying. It kills me inside, Maya. And I know that you would want mommy to be strong, but I’m having such a hard time. I need you, baby girl. You taught me how to be a mommy. And I will always be a mommy to you. Even when daddy and I have another child, you will always be our first baby. And your brothers and sisters will always know you and love you. And they will always know that you are there looking over them. And the hardest part is, I really do want another baby now. I know that it would help us because it would give us something to do again. But honestly, I’m not sure how long it’s going to be before I’m truly ready. I don’t want to have another one until the pain from losing you leaves. I don’t want your brother to crawl for the first time and have it hurt me because you never got to do it. Or have your sister say mama for the first time and it break my heart because you never said it. I want to be able to give them the love they deserve. Just like I gave you every single day of your short life. I wish we had more time with you, Maya. I wanted 60 years, not 6 months. But I’m truly grateful that I got the time I did. And I know that you are up in heaven looking down at us and smiling because you love us both so much. We all miss you, honey. Even people that didn’t even know you or us, are praying for you and crying for you. Tell Wyatt hello for us. I know you both are together and taking care of each other.

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